Taunted by Fear

Reminders that I am loved

I am identified as tough & bold. Strong & determined. Sassy & a natural leader. Some of these are traits that I am okay with looking in the mirror & seeing but others aren't so easy for me to swallow. I want & desire so badly to be approachable & loving. To be recognized as sweet, gentle & mellow. To be easy going & go with the flow. But I have learned to genuinely LOVE myself. I love being me- flaws & all. I love that I am bold & strong (at times it can be overpowering, I know) but these are traits that I am proud of. These are traits that have carried me far in my career, at a young age. Most importantly, these are traits that the Lord has molded into me. With his gentle hand, he is correcting me and I am learning when & how to use these but it hasn't been easy... 

2 Corinthians 12:9 

I want to let people in & see a little more softer side of me...

So here it goes! Last night as it began to rain, the winds began to pick up & almost make a howling sound... As I laid in bed - fear began to rise up in me, at that moment I became a little girl again. I knew in the back of my mind that I was safe & my husband would protect me if anything were to try to come against me - however, that still did not seem to be enough. (I've never been a fan of the dark or thunderstorms)

The bathroom window was open- the wind began to flush through the open window and blow the blinds. As the blinds fluttered in the air they quickly came slapping back on the wall. Over and over again there was howling of the wind and the slapping of blinds. Our dog began to bark at people as they walked by and the dark seem to engulf everything surrounding me.

I quickly jumped out of bed & shut the window. The blinds were no longer an issue & the group of people passed by so our dog was silent again. But in the stillness my heart was still racing. Anxiety began to fill my head & as fast as I tried to push the thoughts away - they grew even faster. 

By now, my husband was sleeping & even though he was still there- I felt vulnerable. I nudged him to wake up & like the good trooper he is - he got up. I asked him to pray for me so I wouldn't be scared. He prayed a quick but honest prayer, reminded me that he was there & that I was safe & almost instantly drifted back to sleep.

None But Jesus- Hillsong

This has been an usual occasion. I struggle so badly with anxiety. I struggle with the unknown. I struggle with not being in complete control. I struggle with losing a sense of who I am because I am now a wife & step-mom. I struggle with not being able to completely satisfy my husband. I struggle with comparing myself to other woman. I struggle with being confident. I struggle with hurts. I struggle with a lot.

I wish that there wasn't room in my head for anxiety to slither on in. I wish so badly, that I didn't struggle with this. I have been told so many times, "fear is not of God" (I know it is in the bible as well) and my one desire is to be more like Him. So I hate that fear is my hold up from being more Christ-like. & though I struggle with  dealing with it... I for some odd reason grasp tightly to it. I want it to go away but I don't want to let go of it.

The more I seek you- Kari Jobe

I love that in those precious moments I can curl up  next to my husband & feel comforted- but even more so, I love that I can RUN to my heavenly father's lap & curl up & feel His overwhelming, overpowering, indescribable peace. 

So yes, I am bold & strong. I am sure hard to deal with & tough at times. But I am also human. I struggle. I hurt. I deal with my own issues. I know that I can come off harsh & my delivery isn't always the best. BUT next time, when my words are harsh or my delivery is hurtful please tell me! I don't want to offend or hurt you! & please remember, I am human. I am going to make mistakes. If you think I am harsh towards you, I am that much more hard on myself. I know it may be hard but try to give me a break. The night before I may not have gotten much sleep. I may have been tossing & turning all night & up late praying for peace. By all means, I am not trying to throw a pity party or trying to excuse some of my selfish behavior but instead, I want to let you in. I want to be friends. I want you to hear my heart. Because yes, I am tough but I am also only a woman. I want to be vulnerable. 

     

Brianna Nicole

I Wish I Would've Realized Before Marriage

When I got married, I knew there would be challenges. I knew marriage was - & always will be - a process... I also knew that with my marriage also came the challenges of a blended family. Since I too come from a VERY blended family - I knew there would be issues with the kids' mom, I knew my husband & I would struggle with finding a healthy balance with the kids & I also knew that it would be HARD! A "Second" Mom's Heart

Four things I didn't realize....

I didn't realize that I would lose all of my friends! For goodness sake, I grew up always having the same steady group of friends. We did EVERYTHING together. We transitioned together, went through all of our "awkward" stages together, road trips, distance, late nights (that somehow turned into all nighters), drama, movies, bon fires, etc. I spent the majority of my free time with these people. They were like family, or so I thought.

    I didn't realize that they wouldn't understand.... They didn't understand how I could fall in love with a divorced man who is 14 years older than me with two kids (I guess its not easy to understand). But more than understanding I didn't realize that they wouldn't support me! I THOUGHT our friendships were deeper than that. I thought we had this mutual understanding that we may not understand every decision but we will still support each other - that's what friends do, right?! 

Instead, I found myself trying to justify & explain myself to them. Trying to convince them to stick by my side & support me. Trying to force them to understand. This left me drained & heart broken. I knew it would be a hard pill for them to swallow but I never thought they would just leave me hanging. In the biggest transition of my life - they abandoned ship. I was there for them through all of their craziness so they should be there for me, right?

I also didn't realize that I would transition into a new "me". I would find new married momma friends. Girl time almost becomes extinct. My interests & hobbies would change. My PRIORITIES would change. & I would gain "marriage weight". Before marriage, I could stay up as late as I wanted, do whatever I pleased. I could work long shifts & not be affected by it, laundry & dishes were never an issue & I never had to cook full meals... one meal a day was all I needed, since it was just me.

Now...  if I stay up too late, my whole week is thrown off. If I get behind on laundry or dishes - it feels impossible to catch  up. Reuben throws a fit if I don't cook. Eating three meals a day is a must & my kids & husband drain every ounce of energy & attention out of me. Don't get me started on my husband's demand to sticking to an impossible "schedule".


I didn't realize that I would not have any alone time or time at all for that matter. I love to be alone. But we are soooo busy that alone time is hard to come by. I enjoy reading, sitting in complete silence, a good bath & I really enjoy sleeping in.... I didn't realize these moments would be hard to come by. My alone time is when my husband goes grocery shopping & I stay home to clean the house. Silence is scarce. Even when I am home alone, my phone is ringing or someone does a "surprise" visit & shows up at our house. Sleeping in only occurs in my dreams. We can have no agenda, no work & no kids but for SOME REASON my husband still feels the need to set an alarm for 7AM. 

Lastly, I didn't realize how rewarding it would be. Yes, I said rewarding... Before I got married, I heard all of the horror stories. I was warned how difficult it would be & I was honestly scared. But I wasn't sat down & told that it would be rewarding. Don't get me wrong Reuben & I ALWAYS have issues we have to work through, it's no Cinderella princess story & by all means our trials are not easy. BUT going through life with someone leading me, someone who loves me unconditionally, who sees me at my most vulnerable states... Through the valleys & mountains, it begins to look... somewhat beautiful. My life feels more meaningful. My friendships aren't as shallow & demanding. My husband & kids bring joy to my life. I feel stable & secure. I feel rewarded and blessed - I know I was created for this!!! It's hard but I couldn't ask for a better man to go through life with!

I wish someone would have told me...

Brianna Nicole

A "Second" Mom's Heart

Let me start by introducing my family. We consist of four (as of now). There is my husband who is a very God fearing, loving man. He is a hard worker, loves sports, church and family. My husband is also divorced and about 14 years older than me. In our marriage he brought along his two sweet & sometimes sassy children. His daughter is now 6. She absolutely loves being girly. She also somehow manages to be sassy as all get out and the sweetest cutie-patootie all at the same time (I don't know how she does it). His son is 8. He is a great mixture of BOY (we all know boys should have their own category) & sweetheart. He is my little love bug.... & then there is me. Sassy, much younger than my husband and brought no kids into our marriage. However, I have my own set of baggage that we can unpack another day.

With our family dynamics also comes the children's mother & her boyfriend. My husband's family. My family. & Our church family. Which in short, provides LOTS of people with LOTS of opinions. 

While the kids live with their mom and come to stay with us every other weekend and on various weekdays. In all the chaos, it can get messy and I am sure confusing for the kids. We are all sometimes unaware or unintentionally pulling at them to love us, choose our home, desire our desires, be like us, believe our beliefs etc.

There is no particular protocol for how we are all to treat each other. We are ex-family, new family, steps, formers, siblings, parents, children and the entirely uncategorizable. There is also a lot of animosity on all sides. And who, in their right mind, wants to wade through any of it? There is subterranean envy to navigate, undigested anger, history, proprietary presumptions. I would like things to be easier between all of us. And I understand the reasons they are not. I try to be gentle in my ways. I try to keep the children in mind. Sometimes I succeed. I wonder what we are teaching all of them, from the biggest to the smallest lessons. It’s mind-boggling.

I pride myself on being a reasonable and usually wise person. I am often intoxicated by my own capacity for empathy, for courage and magnanimity. I love being large. But I am too angry, at times, to reach out. I am too snide. In an ideal world, we all get along — there is depth, forgiveness, best intentions, honor. We are compatible and fair, we support and agree, we are selfless and generous. The children don’t need two birthday parties because we can all celebrate the same child together, all host the same party, all raise the whole child. It seems like such a modest wish.

I, a woman who longs for a conclusion, a hopeful, wise spin, have no conclusion for this. I have no witty lines, no summation, no false cheer. All I have is a sense of vertigo and some resilience, a desire to love my children and tamp my personal smallness, to swallow my colossal guilt, to atone, to extend again, to always extend and to try to love my children more than I love my own fury or jealousy or politics or righteousness. To love them more than I love myself. It’s the most basic definition of raising a child. It sounds easier than it is.

This situation is tough! I never in a million years thought I'd be a young mother let alone a young second-mom. My husband and I have agreed to try to NEVER put the kids in a position where they have to choose one family over the other. At times being a step-mother goes unseen & often there are no rewards. But the moments when the kids run through the doors and ask to speak with me so they can tell me all about their day or when they get hurt and they don't want dad, instead they come crying to me for comfort or when they call me from school to ask if I can chaperon a last minute field trip & I am able to hear to pure joy in their voice when I say "yes"... Those are the moments that make the mess, hardships, chaos, and at times overwhelming stress seem not so awful after-all. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.

                         Brianna Nicole