Ezekiel's Journey Into This World

Although, I love being a stepmom and love my stepchildren dearly... I have always still had a desire to have my own children. I quickly lost this hope after years of being told by doctors that I would never be able to conceive. 

I was diagnosed at the age of 18 with a severe case of endometriosis. I remember when I first received the diagnosis.. I was away at college living states away from my family. It was my first time ever going to the doctor alone and the news they told me was heart breaking. I can remember the doctor being so insensitive and telling me the crushing news that I'd never be able to conceive. As I'm sure you can imagine, I sobbed! All I had ever wanted was to be a mother.

After being diagnosed with endo, I was years later diagnosed with precancerous cells developing in my uterus. Because of these cells, I had to have multiple biopsies and surgeries to remove all the cancerous cells that were forming. By this time, I was married and desperately wanting to have a baby. My aunt had blessed us with the option of her being a surrogate for us. My husband and I considered this option heavily after almost two years of trying to conceive.

On mother's day 2016 I knew something was off with my body. After buying hundreds of pregnancy tests and dreading seeing the hundreds of negatives... I decided to wait until my next doctor's appointment to take another test. At this doctor's appointment, it happened to be the first appointment my husband didn't go with me to since I discovered the precancerous cells, and this appointment I found out we were pregnant. I remember my nurse (who had been my main nurse since the beginning of our journey) telling me that my test was positive. She cried with me and hugged me while I sobbed. It was the best news ever. I was so excited to tell my husband and family!

We later discovered we were having a boy and instantly fell in love with the name Ezekiel. We didn't realize until later on that Ezekiel means God Strengthens which is a real testimony because of his entrance into this world.

Anyways, shortly after finding out I was pregnant, I started feeling strange. I don't know how else to describe it besides the fact that my body felt "off". I took four trips to the emergency room within the time I was pregnant because of a constant nagging pain in my upper abdomen. The first time, they told me it was normal growing pains. The second time, it was that the baby might be kicking my ribs in the same spot. Third time, they were convinced it was my gallbladder.

The forth time, I was 7 months pregnant and everything was starting to be brought to light. I had a high blood pressure, pitting/ swollen feet, and a large amount of protein in my urine. I was then diagnosed with preeclampsia, given a set of two shots to help the baby's lungs develop and transported to a hospital that specialized in these cases.

I arrived at the specialty hospital on a Tuesday. I was told I would be closely monitored but that I should get comfortable because I would be staying there on bed rest for 7 weeks. I was upset and stressed but I was willing to do whatever it took to help my baby have the best fighting chance.




Up until Thursday evening, everything seemed normal. That night, I was talking with my husband on the phone when my back began to hurt. I called the nurse into my room to ask for a heating pad. The nurse took my blood pressure and it had spiked to about 180/110. She called the doctor into my room and the doctor tried to convince me that maybe I had a low pain tolerance and I was just experiencing contractions. Now, I had never had a baby before this but the way contractions had been described to me in the past I knew this was different. I told her I wanted blood work done to see if there was anything else going on that we could not see. By then, my husband returned back to the hospital... He and my mom began googling my symptoms and asked the doctor if I had HELLP. The doctor told them that if I had HELLP, I'd be declining fast and that they should stop googling. She moved me to a labor and delivery room, told me that I'd have to wait until morning to receive the blood work results and get an ultrasound done.

Throughout the night my pain intensified. I remember crying to my mom and kept repeating, "somethings not right". I was in so much pain that I began getting naked, ripping off my monitors that viewed the baby's heart rate, and vomiting. They tried giving me meds to control the vomiting but I was in so much pain that it didn't help. I couldn't receive pain meds, I was begging to take a bath and I at times was on all fours just trying to get comfortable. The nurses came in and did their best to make me comfortable but quickly got frustrated and told me if I kept taking my monitors off that they'd have to make me sign a waiver saying that I was refusing treatment. I told my husband and the nurses that I was convinced I was going to die. My family was quickly called and they all spent the night in the waiting room of the hospital to see what was going to happen in the morning.

By the morning, I was MISERABLE!!! The two specialists doctors came in and quickly diagnosed me with HELLP (H- hemolysis, EL- elevated liver enzymes, LP- low platelet count). The doctor's told my family that they were going to have to rush me into have an emergency c-section and that they needed to get the baby out within 10 minutes in order for me to survive. I was only 27 weeks so I was terrified that my baby wouldn't survive. I sobbed and felt that I had failed because yet again my body had failed me!

The doctor's took another set of blood work and that's when we realized my blood wasn't clotting. I literally had a pool of blood forming from the little prick of the needle that they put in my arm. My blood results came back from the night before and my platelets were at 50,000. My doctor told my family that they had two severe options but that neither one was looking to promising. They could put me under but because my blood pressure was so high I was almost guaranteed to have a stroke... Or they could give me an epidural which I could easily bleed out on the table. The doctor said he felt more comfortable with the epidural so my family agreed. He also stated that if my platelets were anything lower than 30,000 that no one would touch me because I was guaranteed to bleed out on the operating table. They all prayed over me and said their goodbyes hoping that I'd make it out alive.

After rushing me into surgery, my second results of blood work came back and my platelets were 27,000. By this time, I was already cut open so they had to finish the operation. They told me that I wouldn't hear my baby crying and that the beginning process I would feel a lot of pressure but then everything should slow down from there.

Well I'm proud to say that my baby came out crying! They got him out within 5 minutes but they were rough on my body in order to get him out quickly. So although he was out within 5 minutes it took them about 3-4 hours to repair the damage they had done to my body.

After surgery I was told that all my vital organs had began shutting down. I was retaining all my water because my kidneys were failing, having trouble breathing because my lungs were starting to fail, and the pain I was feeling in my side was because my liver had began failing which started sending poison out into my body and my liver was literally about to burst inside of me. I had multiple nurses that had taken care of me Thursday night (when I was at my worse) come into my room after I was feeling better and tell me that they didn't think I was going to make it. One nurse told me that she had never had a patient look her in the eyes and repeatedly tell her that they think they are going to die but I was convinced. I was also told that 1% of women develop HELLP during their third trimester and a small percentage of those women start showing signs as early as their first trimester like I did. Because it was so rare and so unlikely for me to develop it so early on, it was left undiagnosed.

After my surgery, everything got worse before it got better. My platelets dropped lower until about I believe 15,000 (I believe that was the lowest). I was in such critical condition that I had my own nurse and doctor assigned to me 24 hours a day. 

I had to wait three long days before I could see my baby because I was still critical. I had one nurse who I believe was a God sent angel, I believe a lot of the reason my body was able to heal itself was because of her. She literally gave me a sponge bath while I was in bed. Washed my whole body for me and then took it a step further and massaged my body with lotion to help ease the stress. She also helped me brush my teeth. This was not part of her "job" but she told me that her job is to take care of her patients and get them feeling healthy again and if that's what it took then she would do it. She reminded me of a grandmother. She was direct at times and to some may have seemed harsh but at the same time she was so tender and sweet. She encouraged me to get up and moving and to do whatever it took to get better in order for me to see my baby.

Now nearly two months later, my son is still in the NICU. He's a strong little guy and I know he will be home soon. But for now we are just thankful that we are both alive.

This experience has forever changed me. I will never doubt that there is a God. I know that I couldn't have come that close to death and survived on my own. My body has failed me time and time again but I know Jesus must still have work for me to do. I am humbled that the Lord chose to do such a miraculous thing in me so that I can live on to share my testimony. So I will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. (Revelations 12:11)


*** Special thank you to my husband who was amazing throughout this whole process! He's never doubted God during our whole journey... Even when I lost faith, he always believed and trusted the Lord. I have an amazing man who has been so unbelievably supportive!
Thank you to my parents who never left my side while I was in the hospital! To my aunt who was willing to have a baby for us!
And also to our family/fr-amily! Reuben & I have the most amazing support system! Thank you to those who visited us in the hospital, brought us multiple meals, the continuous prayers/ checking in & the love that you have poured out on my family & I. We appreciate you all!

Brianna Nicole

Taunted by Fear

Reminders that I am loved

I am identified as tough & bold. Strong & determined. Sassy & a natural leader. Some of these are traits that I am okay with looking in the mirror & seeing but others aren't so easy for me to swallow. I want & desire so badly to be approachable & loving. To be recognized as sweet, gentle & mellow. To be easy going & go with the flow. But I have learned to genuinely LOVE myself. I love being me- flaws & all. I love that I am bold & strong (at times it can be overpowering, I know) but these are traits that I am proud of. These are traits that have carried me far in my career, at a young age. Most importantly, these are traits that the Lord has molded into me. With his gentle hand, he is correcting me and I am learning when & how to use these but it hasn't been easy... 

2 Corinthians 12:9 

I want to let people in & see a little more softer side of me...

So here it goes! Last night as it began to rain, the winds began to pick up & almost make a howling sound... As I laid in bed - fear began to rise up in me, at that moment I became a little girl again. I knew in the back of my mind that I was safe & my husband would protect me if anything were to try to come against me - however, that still did not seem to be enough. (I've never been a fan of the dark or thunderstorms)

The bathroom window was open- the wind began to flush through the open window and blow the blinds. As the blinds fluttered in the air they quickly came slapping back on the wall. Over and over again there was howling of the wind and the slapping of blinds. Our dog began to bark at people as they walked by and the dark seem to engulf everything surrounding me.

I quickly jumped out of bed & shut the window. The blinds were no longer an issue & the group of people passed by so our dog was silent again. But in the stillness my heart was still racing. Anxiety began to fill my head & as fast as I tried to push the thoughts away - they grew even faster. 

By now, my husband was sleeping & even though he was still there- I felt vulnerable. I nudged him to wake up & like the good trooper he is - he got up. I asked him to pray for me so I wouldn't be scared. He prayed a quick but honest prayer, reminded me that he was there & that I was safe & almost instantly drifted back to sleep.

None But Jesus- Hillsong

This has been an usual occasion. I struggle so badly with anxiety. I struggle with the unknown. I struggle with not being in complete control. I struggle with losing a sense of who I am because I am now a wife & step-mom. I struggle with not being able to completely satisfy my husband. I struggle with comparing myself to other woman. I struggle with being confident. I struggle with hurts. I struggle with a lot.

I wish that there wasn't room in my head for anxiety to slither on in. I wish so badly, that I didn't struggle with this. I have been told so many times, "fear is not of God" (I know it is in the bible as well) and my one desire is to be more like Him. So I hate that fear is my hold up from being more Christ-like. & though I struggle with  dealing with it... I for some odd reason grasp tightly to it. I want it to go away but I don't want to let go of it.

The more I seek you- Kari Jobe

I love that in those precious moments I can curl up  next to my husband & feel comforted- but even more so, I love that I can RUN to my heavenly father's lap & curl up & feel His overwhelming, overpowering, indescribable peace. 

So yes, I am bold & strong. I am sure hard to deal with & tough at times. But I am also human. I struggle. I hurt. I deal with my own issues. I know that I can come off harsh & my delivery isn't always the best. BUT next time, when my words are harsh or my delivery is hurtful please tell me! I don't want to offend or hurt you! & please remember, I am human. I am going to make mistakes. If you think I am harsh towards you, I am that much more hard on myself. I know it may be hard but try to give me a break. The night before I may not have gotten much sleep. I may have been tossing & turning all night & up late praying for peace. By all means, I am not trying to throw a pity party or trying to excuse some of my selfish behavior but instead, I want to let you in. I want to be friends. I want you to hear my heart. Because yes, I am tough but I am also only a woman. I want to be vulnerable. 

     

Brianna Nicole

I Wish I Would've Realized Before Marriage

When I got married, I knew there would be challenges. I knew marriage was - & always will be - a process... I also knew that with my marriage also came the challenges of a blended family. Since I too come from a VERY blended family - I knew there would be issues with the kids' mom, I knew my husband & I would struggle with finding a healthy balance with the kids & I also knew that it would be HARD! A "Second" Mom's Heart

Four things I didn't realize....

I didn't realize that I would lose all of my friends! For goodness sake, I grew up always having the same steady group of friends. We did EVERYTHING together. We transitioned together, went through all of our "awkward" stages together, road trips, distance, late nights (that somehow turned into all nighters), drama, movies, bon fires, etc. I spent the majority of my free time with these people. They were like family, or so I thought.

    I didn't realize that they wouldn't understand.... They didn't understand how I could fall in love with a divorced man who is 14 years older than me with two kids (I guess its not easy to understand). But more than understanding I didn't realize that they wouldn't support me! I THOUGHT our friendships were deeper than that. I thought we had this mutual understanding that we may not understand every decision but we will still support each other - that's what friends do, right?! 

Instead, I found myself trying to justify & explain myself to them. Trying to convince them to stick by my side & support me. Trying to force them to understand. This left me drained & heart broken. I knew it would be a hard pill for them to swallow but I never thought they would just leave me hanging. In the biggest transition of my life - they abandoned ship. I was there for them through all of their craziness so they should be there for me, right?

I also didn't realize that I would transition into a new "me". I would find new married momma friends. Girl time almost becomes extinct. My interests & hobbies would change. My PRIORITIES would change. & I would gain "marriage weight". Before marriage, I could stay up as late as I wanted, do whatever I pleased. I could work long shifts & not be affected by it, laundry & dishes were never an issue & I never had to cook full meals... one meal a day was all I needed, since it was just me.

Now...  if I stay up too late, my whole week is thrown off. If I get behind on laundry or dishes - it feels impossible to catch  up. Reuben throws a fit if I don't cook. Eating three meals a day is a must & my kids & husband drain every ounce of energy & attention out of me. Don't get me started on my husband's demand to sticking to an impossible "schedule".


I didn't realize that I would not have any alone time or time at all for that matter. I love to be alone. But we are soooo busy that alone time is hard to come by. I enjoy reading, sitting in complete silence, a good bath & I really enjoy sleeping in.... I didn't realize these moments would be hard to come by. My alone time is when my husband goes grocery shopping & I stay home to clean the house. Silence is scarce. Even when I am home alone, my phone is ringing or someone does a "surprise" visit & shows up at our house. Sleeping in only occurs in my dreams. We can have no agenda, no work & no kids but for SOME REASON my husband still feels the need to set an alarm for 7AM. 

Lastly, I didn't realize how rewarding it would be. Yes, I said rewarding... Before I got married, I heard all of the horror stories. I was warned how difficult it would be & I was honestly scared. But I wasn't sat down & told that it would be rewarding. Don't get me wrong Reuben & I ALWAYS have issues we have to work through, it's no Cinderella princess story & by all means our trials are not easy. BUT going through life with someone leading me, someone who loves me unconditionally, who sees me at my most vulnerable states... Through the valleys & mountains, it begins to look... somewhat beautiful. My life feels more meaningful. My friendships aren't as shallow & demanding. My husband & kids bring joy to my life. I feel stable & secure. I feel rewarded and blessed - I know I was created for this!!! It's hard but I couldn't ask for a better man to go through life with!

I wish someone would have told me...

Brianna Nicole

A "Second" Mom's Heart

Let me start by introducing my family. We consist of four (as of now). There is my husband who is a very God fearing, loving man. He is a hard worker, loves sports, church and family. My husband is also divorced and about 14 years older than me. In our marriage he brought along his two sweet & sometimes sassy children. His daughter is now 6. She absolutely loves being girly. She also somehow manages to be sassy as all get out and the sweetest cutie-patootie all at the same time (I don't know how she does it). His son is 8. He is a great mixture of BOY (we all know boys should have their own category) & sweetheart. He is my little love bug.... & then there is me. Sassy, much younger than my husband and brought no kids into our marriage. However, I have my own set of baggage that we can unpack another day.

With our family dynamics also comes the children's mother & her boyfriend. My husband's family. My family. & Our church family. Which in short, provides LOTS of people with LOTS of opinions. 

While the kids live with their mom and come to stay with us every other weekend and on various weekdays. In all the chaos, it can get messy and I am sure confusing for the kids. We are all sometimes unaware or unintentionally pulling at them to love us, choose our home, desire our desires, be like us, believe our beliefs etc.

There is no particular protocol for how we are all to treat each other. We are ex-family, new family, steps, formers, siblings, parents, children and the entirely uncategorizable. There is also a lot of animosity on all sides. And who, in their right mind, wants to wade through any of it? There is subterranean envy to navigate, undigested anger, history, proprietary presumptions. I would like things to be easier between all of us. And I understand the reasons they are not. I try to be gentle in my ways. I try to keep the children in mind. Sometimes I succeed. I wonder what we are teaching all of them, from the biggest to the smallest lessons. It’s mind-boggling.

I pride myself on being a reasonable and usually wise person. I am often intoxicated by my own capacity for empathy, for courage and magnanimity. I love being large. But I am too angry, at times, to reach out. I am too snide. In an ideal world, we all get along — there is depth, forgiveness, best intentions, honor. We are compatible and fair, we support and agree, we are selfless and generous. The children don’t need two birthday parties because we can all celebrate the same child together, all host the same party, all raise the whole child. It seems like such a modest wish.

I, a woman who longs for a conclusion, a hopeful, wise spin, have no conclusion for this. I have no witty lines, no summation, no false cheer. All I have is a sense of vertigo and some resilience, a desire to love my children and tamp my personal smallness, to swallow my colossal guilt, to atone, to extend again, to always extend and to try to love my children more than I love my own fury or jealousy or politics or righteousness. To love them more than I love myself. It’s the most basic definition of raising a child. It sounds easier than it is.

This situation is tough! I never in a million years thought I'd be a young mother let alone a young second-mom. My husband and I have agreed to try to NEVER put the kids in a position where they have to choose one family over the other. At times being a step-mother goes unseen & often there are no rewards. But the moments when the kids run through the doors and ask to speak with me so they can tell me all about their day or when they get hurt and they don't want dad, instead they come crying to me for comfort or when they call me from school to ask if I can chaperon a last minute field trip & I am able to hear to pure joy in their voice when I say "yes"... Those are the moments that make the mess, hardships, chaos, and at times overwhelming stress seem not so awful after-all. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.

                         Brianna Nicole