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| Reminders that I am loved |
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| 2 Corinthians 12:9 |
I want to let people in & see a little more softer side of me...
So here it goes! Last night as it began to rain, the winds began to pick up & almost make a howling sound... As I laid in bed - fear began to rise up in me, at that moment I became a little girl again. I knew in the back of my mind that I was safe & my husband would protect me if anything were to try to come against me - however, that still did not seem to be enough. (I've never been a fan of the dark or thunderstorms)
The bathroom window was open- the wind began to flush through the open window and blow the blinds. As the blinds fluttered in the air they quickly came slapping back on the wall. Over and over again there was howling of the wind and the slapping of blinds. Our dog began to bark at people as they walked by and the dark seem to engulf everything surrounding me.
I quickly jumped out of bed & shut the window. The blinds were no longer an issue & the group of people passed by so our dog was silent again. But in the stillness my heart was still racing. Anxiety began to fill my head & as fast as I tried to push the thoughts away - they grew even faster.
By now, my husband was sleeping & even though he was still there- I felt vulnerable. I nudged him to wake up & like the good trooper he is - he got up. I asked him to pray for me so I wouldn't be scared. He prayed a quick but honest prayer, reminded me that he was there & that I was safe & almost instantly drifted back to sleep.
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| None But Jesus- Hillsong |
This has been an usual occasion. I struggle so badly with anxiety. I struggle with the unknown. I struggle with not being in complete control. I struggle with losing a sense of who I am because I am now a wife & step-mom. I struggle with not being able to completely satisfy my husband. I struggle with comparing myself to other woman. I struggle with being confident. I struggle with hurts. I struggle with a lot.
I wish that there wasn't room in my head for anxiety to slither on in. I wish so badly, that I didn't struggle with this. I have been told so many times, "fear is not of God" (I know it is in the bible as well) and my one desire is to be more like Him. So I hate that fear is my hold up from being more Christ-like. & though I struggle with dealing with it... I for some odd reason grasp tightly to it. I want it to go away but I don't want to let go of it.
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| The more I seek you- Kari Jobe |
I love that in those precious moments I can curl up next to my husband & feel comforted- but even more so, I love that I can RUN to my heavenly father's lap & curl up & feel His overwhelming, overpowering, indescribable peace.
So yes, I am bold & strong. I am sure hard to deal with & tough at times. But I am also human. I struggle. I hurt. I deal with my own issues. I know that I can come off harsh & my delivery isn't always the best. BUT next time, when my words are harsh or my delivery is hurtful please tell me! I don't want to offend or hurt you! & please remember, I am human. I am going to make mistakes. If you think I am harsh towards you, I am that much more hard on myself. I know it may be hard but try to give me a break. The night before I may not have gotten much sleep. I may have been tossing & turning all night & up late praying for peace. By all means, I am not trying to throw a pity party or trying to excuse some of my selfish behavior but instead, I want to let you in. I want to be friends. I want you to hear my heart. Because yes, I am tough but I am also only a woman. I want to be vulnerable.
Brianna Nicole
